shamone, baby.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Great, her again.

Well it's been a while!
I got back from my trip (we went to Italy) and started up classes again. Since my last post I've lost a total of 12 pounds (4 on my trip)! I'm very excited about that.
I'm sorry that I haven't posted in so long. I was amazed to see that I actually have more followers since my last post! Hello, and welcome to my blog, haha.
Going to Italy I was SURROUNDED by thinspo -- which is why I ended up losing, I think. Just seeing everyone look so beautiful and modelesque made me want to stay away from food. What a positive trigger!
Also, now that classes have started up, it's so easy to avoid food while on campus, I love it. Although, my parents are totally catching on...I have to stop wearing tops that expose my collar bones!
Well, I don't have too much to say at this particular moment, I'll be back once I feel more talkative...or typeative...O.o
Tell me how all of you darlings have been!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Fast completion and results.

So after finishing my water fast, I lost a total of 8 pounds. Then, I ate only raw so as to not gain back all of the weight and as a result, only gained back 2lbs! So, it was a success and I hope to do another one...I don't know when but we'll see. I've been packing for a trip I'm heading on so that's why I haven't been able to update -- sorry ladies! I'll come back with a better post when I return from my trip. I love you guys, don't forget that!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 2 of H20 Fast

Weakness has no place in my vocabulary.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 1 of H20 Fast.

Headaches, dizziness, tiredness, cravings, nausea, excitment, fear...these are a few words to describe my day today.
I spent one hour in bed thinking uncontrollably about food...I even had the urge to succumb to the diet pepsi staring at me from the fridge or the tea, waiting to be brewed.
But I refused to give up and I stuck to it. Today marks an achievement, and after so many failures, it feels good.
This was just an update for today. I'm feeling quite ill so I won't be replying to comments just yet (I like to put effort into these types of things!). To all the girls on this journey with me, stay strong!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

FAST - Take 2

Okay, just dropping by to let you lovelies know that I will be doing a 3 day water fast starting tomorrow. This is not a real post, that'll be tomorrow, but if anyone wants to join me -- feel free! I shall not have another bloating episode like last time...if I do, I'll be pissed haha. I promise to reply to all your fabulous comments in tomorrow's post! Until then, much love!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Oh, the nerve.

Okay, first thing's first. I'm going to reply to the comments from my last post -- here goes:

Hoping for more - the intuitive eating has been going GREAT!! I'm barely eating solids and when I feel hungry, I help myself to as much diet pepsi, tea, or water as I please. And, you're welcome for the link =)

Lola Anais - I agree! I feel like some of the author's sincerity is missing but I feel as though this book is more about the message it contains as opposed to being some masterpiece literature or something, lol.

Peri - glad you love spearmint too! shows that you have great taste ;)

Audri - your welcome for the link! I totally do the intuitive eating while attending class too! It's way easier to do during the school year as opposed to doing it in the summer!

Margg - another spearmint lover, sweet! And thank you dear =)

Sarah - thank you!

Adelle - agree with every word!

Sam - your welcome, and thank you!

Believe lose - agreed! Thanks for the comment.

Thank you once again ladies for taking the time to comment!

Now, this post is about fat girls who think they're ALL THAT!
Honestly, I have nothing personal against fat people. I have many friends who are overweight and that's fine. BUT, I do have an issue with those fat girls who have the AUDACITY to give you attitude and be absolutely rude and dispicable. I see these girls all the time at work. They come in, and are so obnoxious when they order, as if they own the damn place. On top of that, they're rather well dressed, but in clothes that are about 10 sizes too small for them making them look desperate and frumpy. But, as if blind to the reality of their appearance, they carry on with their prissy attitudes and makeup and hairdo's fit for America's Next Top Drag Queen.
I can't stand these type of people.
These are also the people who describe themselves as "bootylicious" or "curvy".
No, bitch, you're just fat. Actually, in most cases, you are overweight/obese. So quit raising yourself so high on that damn pedestool ya got there and see yourself for what you really are: a sorry excuse for a person who thinks that primping themselves up, wearing designer clothes, and treating others like shit will overshadow that fact that their ass is the size of the entire continental U.S.
Thank you.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I prefer spearmint, thanks...Oh, and intuitiveness.

Why hello lovelies. I hope you are all doing well. I shall get to your comments soon but for now I just cannot be bothered. Procastination is my greatest virtue =) Thank you all for your comments though!

So, I've been reading Wintergirls and I must say, it is very inspiring. It is a tale of a girl's bout with anorexia and...well you can Wikipedia it for yourselves and see what it's about lol.

I must say, I'm not a fan of the author's writing style, although it is something that I've never come across before. Interesting, creative, but, I can't be bothered with it too. It lacks the continuinity I value in novels. Anyway, I'm not finished it yet. But I think the book mentioned wintergreen gum and I though I should mention that nothing is better than spearmint, point blank!

Okay, so I've been living off of diet pepsi and one small meal a day and I'm loving it. I've also been doing some research and have come across something called "intuitive eating" which basically means eating until your hunger is satiated as opposed to eating until you're full. It also means eating ONLY when you are hungry and water or other fluids cannot do the trick. So I've been trying it and it's amazing how we really DON'T need that much food in us to feel satisfied. A few bites, and we're good. So why do we gorge ourselves like greedy little pigs? And then feel like hell afterwards? It really is a mental thing...I'm going to try this for a week and let you guys know how its going along the way.

Hmm, what else to say? Sorry for not posting yesterday, I had work practically all day (and only ate toast for the whole 8 hours!) and then I was too tired afterwards...hmm maybe I should provide the link for Wintergirls so you guys can read it online if you haven't already. Well, have a great day lovelies =]

Friday, August 6, 2010

(don't) Eat, Love, Pray.

Hello my lovelies. I genuinely hope you are all doing well!
From my last post I would like to take this moment to reply to comments:

Madelina - Your advice is fantastic! Thank you so much for taking out the time to write such wonderful words.  I appreciate it fully and dearly. Btw, I have to mention: is Madelina your real name? Either way, it's such a beautiful name! I love it!

Idil - Unfortunately, it's not my time of the month, but I, too, think that it might've been water weight. Thank you for your concern and support, love.

v. - Thank you for your concern -- it makes me feel loved, lol. I went on a liquid fast with some fruit here and there.  Thank goodness you've never expirienced bloating during a fast, it's so upsetting! It makes you feel like you're wasting your time. Not to mention, FAT! But yes, the prune juice helped. Thank you for your comment!

Lola - Hey sweetie. Thank you for your reasurrance. It makes me feel so much better! And that's exactly what I did -- I had more water and fruit and it has helped! Thanks again <3

Okay, now onto the topic of this post. Which, btw, has a pretty inspired title if you know what I mean lol. I actually can't wait to see the movie. Has anyone read the book?

With that said, I feel like the first 5 days of this month were a bust. I just felt SO SO down and out about everything and even though I fasted, I didn't feel any satisfaction. So, I took today as a new day. I had 1010 calories and burned 400 at the gym. I really want to lose fat and the best way to do that (imo) is by running. So, I did interval running for 30 min and burned 200 calories from that. It felt really good! Then I came home, had some fruit and oatmeal, and now I'm sipping on tea before bed.

So that was the eat. Onto the love.

Even though I have love in my life from my family and friends (and you guys ofcourse!) I feel like I never fully appreciate it. And that makes me feel horrible. Earlier this year, I was seriously depressed. University was a huge part of that. But I've realized of late that I've been starting to feel that depression again. And university is out. So what could it be? Well, I'm assuming it's a combination of things but I think a major part of it is a lack of love for MYSELF. All of this self-loathing and hatred that comes with body image issues is a huge reason why I've been feeling so down. Even though I've lost 4 pant sizes and am about 16, almost 20 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time, I'm still going through the mental processes (<-- is that a word?) of hating myself. So this brings up the question: will I still feel this way about myself even when I reach goal? Will I EVER be happy with myself? Will I ever LOVE myself? It petrifies me to think that I could be at my goal weight and potentially still expirience the misery of hating myself. Today, however, I've made a step towards loving myself. I've started with positive thinking. Simple, but it's kept me sane for the most part today, and (almost) away from every reflective surface in my house.

And finally, prayer.
Today, ladies, I realized something else that was missing in my life: Prayer.
Yes, I am a religious person, and I do love and cherish God. Let me say right now that I, in no way, am imposing any of my personal beliefs onto ANYONE. I respect everyone's decision of how they choose to practice religion, or not. Anyways, in this entire year, I've only prayed once. For me, that's shameful. But today, I decided to pray. To look to God for some answers and guidance. And you know what? I (already) feel as though that void in my heart is being filled. For me, prayer means peace. My mind's always running, I'm constantly thinking about my next meal or my weight, I procastinate like no short, my mind doesn't have an off button. But when I pray, it's as though everything melts into the background and I just feel PEACE. True, pure, genuine peace. No hatred of myself, and no judgement. To me, this is key. It is what has added fuel to my ever burning fire and I know that with weightloss on my mind and God in my heart, I will achieve any goals I set out for myself. Yes, future posts might still show me being tough on myself but now, it'll be because I KNOW I can do better, and not because I hate myself. This is what prayer does for me.

Isn't it crazy that a book (and movie) title could be so relevant in my life? Haha.

Oh! And another thing. I've taken up writing in my journal again to ease my mind. I forgot how liberating and relaxing it truly is. There is one rule that I made for myself however: no writing about body/weight. This is my way of liberating myself from the hell that is induced by constantly worrying and fussying over myself. Am I happy with my body right now? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But from today on, I refuse to let that fact depress me and cause me to loathe myself. Instead, I'll direct my energy into creativity. For me, that means writing.

With lots of love, stay strong ladies.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


So, I fasted for 3 days and you know what my reward was? BLOATEDNESS! And not only that, but a freakin weight GAIN??!! That can't be right.
So, I spent today cleansing with loads of water and prune-juice and I'm going for a workout tomorrow. I can't believe my body reacted this way to a fast...has anyone else expirienced this? I feel as though my efforts totally backfired and it's so discouraging but I'm gonna hold my head up high and trudge on. The goal is 130 by the end of this month...I HAVE to do it. That's about 10lbs. Do any of you lovely ladies have any tips on things I can do to lose this shit fast WITHOUT bloating?? I just can't believe it.
I'm gonna do another fast in 5 days. During these 5 days I want to drop at least 2lbs. I hope I can...anyways, thank you all for the comments. YES, I read them, and I try to comment on your blogs, but I'm naturally a lazy person and today, with all this disappointment, I can't be bothered =( Sorry lovelies. Any advice to see the scale make it's way back down would be highly appreciated <3

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The girl who wants to take you down with her. (2/8)

Just a little housekeeping.
1. The fast is going well. I got really dizzy a bunch of times today, but I stayed strong! I even did 200 crunches and lifted weights...500 would've been gold...
2. I can't believe that I already have ELEVEN followers. That number is SO signifigant in my life. Not only is it my lucky number, but...maybe I'll save that another post ;)
Thank you for your comments. I don't actually consider you guys to be "followers". More like friends. Or, better yet, sisters. Family. This blog is becoming my home away from home and I love it.

Now, enough of the cheese, I have a story to tell.

There's this girl I work with. Ever since I started working at this particular place about a year and a half ago, this girl has been onto me. Let me explain.

When I first started working, I barely knew anyone. Yet this girl though that it would be appropriate to discuss weight and body image with a stranger. We're the same age and we were both graduating that year from different high schools. She randomly comes up to me one day and starts talking about how she has this gorgeous grad dress that she can't fit into. Grad was about 4 months away and she explained how she was going to lose 40 pounds before the big day.

Now, this girl is actually obese. Not severely, but she passed overweight a LONG time ago. And on top of that, she's about 5'1-5'2.  In fact, when she saw that I wasn't really interested she says something like "Ya, I know I'm SO fat. I'm pushing 200 pounds and I used to be SO skinny like a stick -- how much do you weigh?". I was completely thrown off. I didn't know whether to say "How dare you?" or "None of your damn business!". Instead I said something along the lines of "I don't share that kind of personal information with people". Classy, and straight to the point. But guess who didn't get the message?

She then tried to coax me into telling her. She was like, "Aww, common. I'm like a size 14 in pants, what do you wear?". Now, at that time, I was much heavier...actually I was at my HW. And I wore a size 13. So I almost lol'd when she told me that. So not only was she trying to get me to spill the beans, but she had the audacity to LIE to my face. Yes, I wear glasses, but that doesn't make me BLIND!

Anyways, fast forward a year and a half full of her staring at me from a distance or coming up behind me and asking "hey, did you lose weight?", or trying to JUSTIFY her bad eating habits. Like one day on break, she was warming up a bowl of noodles as I walked in and she goes "OH! I'm just SO hungry I could eat ANYTHING, even though this isn't healthy." Can you believe that? She said that right as I walked in. I didn't say a word. She's also one of those people who stare at you as you eat. Not just at you though, but at your food and everything. She once asked me "Is that ALL your gonna eat!?" In this fake-ass oh-I-truly-care-about-you voice. I literally block my food now because I get paranoid. Anyways, I digress.

So what is the point of this story you may ask?
Well, this girl, who I shall now refer to as Bitch, and I got into a huggggeee fight. Ever since that day we have been on no-talking terms. Bitch still stares, but I couldn't give a damn. You know why? Because she truly has something to stare at now -- my shrinking self. And you know what? I can literally see the envy in her eyes. It excites and motivates me. Reverse-thinspo? Maybe, I don't know. But everytime I see her eyes widen and stare me down, I feel victorious. Because I know that secretly inside, she wishes that I was gaining weight instead of losing it. That she could once again complain about her back fat and have me sympathize with her just to make herself feel better. That I could be fat like her.

Sorry Bitch, but life doesn't work that way. Girl, bye.

Monday, August 2, 2010

People who think they know you. (1/8)

First I'd like to start off by saying thank you to all you guys for commenting!
Kristal - I love your sense of humour and your blogs always make me smile -- along with that comment!
Margg - thank you!
Bella - Thanks for the follow!
Lola Anais - Hmmm...I don't think so, haha. Goodluck on your fast too!

Okay, and now to the topic of this post.
Don't you hate it when people assume things about you or judge you without having a clue who you really are? Like, instead of taking a minute to listen to what you have to say, they critisize you and try to impose their own opinions onto you.
I truly feel bad for those type of people.
The reason they try to convince you that what they are saying is correct is because secretly, they are trying to convince themselves. They know it isn't true but they figure that if they keep telling themselves and/or others that it's true, it will magically become the truth. You know what they say: the more a lie is told, the more people believe it.
So, to those who feel the need to leave absurd, and tacky comments -- SAVE IT. What makes you think I will heed to your judgement? What makes you think I give a damn? Besides, my shit is moderated, and it takes me about 10 seconds to lose interest in a dumb comment.
To those who leave kind, supportive comments, bless you =) Because that's what this community is about. To weed out the negativity and reign in strength and love.

Sunday, August 1, 2010


Embarking on an 8 day fast starting tomorrow. Goal weight for day 8: 137lbs


That's how I've decided to start a new, fresh month. With a binge.
Fuck me. Like, seriously.
This is what I binged on: a burger, milk, 1 cinnamon bun, tea, a McFlurry. All of this alone totals to ~1500-700 calories. On top of the 600ish calories I consumed prior to the binge. >.<
I have to keep telling myself -- I KNOW I WON'T GAIN A SINGLE POUND FROM ONE MISTAKE. But in my mind, I know I've fucked up. And you know how I punish myself? Prune-fucking-juice. Why that? Because 1. I do not purge for I have basically no gag reflex, and the side-effects of purging ARE JUST NOT WORTH IT. 2. I don't take laxatives. I try to avoid any type of drugs when I can. Including pills, coughsyrup, you name it. I just hate them.
So, I use the natural laxitative qualities of prune juice.
Does it work? Yes. Does it clean out my system 100%? Probably not. But, since I'm not eating for the rest of the day, most of those calories should be out of my system.
On a happier note, I am 1lb away from my next goal of 140lbs.
My parents freaked today because they saw my collar bones. How do you explain to your parents that you tend to carry most of your weight on your lower body and not your upper? They wouldn't have any of it. And I think that's what triggered my binge. Oh well. I still have 30 days left to the month not to fuck up so here's to that.
p.s. Another hello to my new followers. I hope you lovely ones are doing well =)

Friday, July 30, 2010

Reverse thinspo & Reading.

I had never realized that the method I was using to keep sane and stay motivated had a name: reverse thinspo. You see, I work in the food industry (great, right) and I have all walks of customers come in through the doors of the resturant. Now, I can safely say that 90% of them are overweight-obese and they have absolutely NO shame. They'll walk in with tummy bearing shirts and shorts, and order ever damn thing off of the menu. Just watching them wolf down their food makes me want to never eat again. I don't do it on purpose, I just can't help it. When I see someone who clearly doesn't take care of themself walk by, I automatically feel better about myself. That's just the way it is.
Also, I'm a reader. By that I mean I can literally read people and tell what they are thinking based on body language and facial expressions. I think this is something I developed as I became more self-concious and aware of my body and those around me. Let me tell you, I'm DAMN good at this.
For example, I was at a grocery store once and was watching this fat woman (might I mention here that a lot of these fat people are young. Like, 18-30 years old!) taking her time picking out a chocolate bar. I was wondering what was going through her head as she reached' for a Caramilk bar but then skipped over it and grabbed a Hershey's one. When she was straightening up she made eye contact with me for a brief second and in that moment, I knew that she felt embarrased and ashamed. As if on cue, she tossed the chocolate back on the shelf and payed for her groceries. She also left glaring at me. As if to say, "thanks a lot for making me feel like a pig". Hopefully my look said, "sweety, you did that quite well on your own". Needless to say, I can guarantee that she compensated for that missed chocolate bar later that day. I'm a reader. I'm also quite judgemental, mainly of myself, but when it comes to others, I try to stay open-minded and just read them. That's how it works.
Anyways, I'm 1lb away from completing another goal. I need this fat to come off. COME OFF. The more I see stretch marks, the happier I get because that tells me I'm shrinking. Isn't that weird. Most people hate stretch marks -- I don't mind them. Just as long as I rub cocoa butter on them, they fade away.
I'm heading to the gym today and I'm also planning to fast. I don't know when to start the fast, I'm still working that out in my head.
p.s. Hello, to my two new followers =)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A long time coming.

After sticking to a healthy diet for a couple months, I feel as though I am being thrust back into the grips of disordered eating. No, I'm not anorexic, bulimic, or any of that. And I do not wish to be. But as long as I can remeber, I've been struggling with food and weight loss addiction. This may be the first time in my life where I no longer feel in control. Instead, I shall let my obsession take hold of me and see where it takes me.
So far today, it has led me to the gym and compelled me to burn 900 cals.