Hello my lovelies. I genuinely hope you are all doing well!
From my last post I would like to take this moment to reply to comments:
Madelina - Your advice is fantastic! Thank you so much for taking out the time to write such wonderful words. I appreciate it fully and dearly. Btw, I have to mention: is Madelina your real name? Either way, it's such a beautiful name! I love it!
Idil - Unfortunately, it's not my time of the month, but I, too, think that it might've been water weight. Thank you for your concern and support, love.
v. - Thank you for your concern -- it makes me feel loved, lol. I went on a liquid fast with some fruit here and there. Thank goodness you've never expirienced bloating during a fast, it's so upsetting! It makes you feel like you're wasting your time. Not to mention, FAT! But yes, the prune juice helped. Thank you for your comment!
Lola - Hey sweetie. Thank you for your reasurrance. It makes me feel so much better! And that's exactly what I did -- I had more water and fruit and it has helped! Thanks again <3
Okay, now onto the topic of this post. Which, btw, has a pretty inspired title if you know what I mean lol. I actually can't wait to see the movie. Has anyone read the book?
With that said, I feel like the first 5 days of this month were a bust. I just felt SO SO down and out about everything and even though I fasted, I didn't feel any satisfaction. So, I took today as a new day. I had 1010 calories and burned 400 at the gym. I really want to lose fat and the best way to do that (imo) is by running. So, I did interval running for 30 min and burned 200 calories from that. It felt really good! Then I came home, had some fruit and oatmeal, and now I'm sipping on tea before bed.
So that was the eat. Onto the love.
Even though I have love in my life from my family and friends (and you guys ofcourse!) I feel like I never fully appreciate it. And that makes me feel horrible. Earlier this year, I was seriously depressed. University was a huge part of that. But I've realized of late that I've been starting to feel that depression again. And university is out. So what could it be? Well, I'm assuming it's a combination of things but I think a major part of it is a lack of love for MYSELF. All of this self-loathing and hatred that comes with body image issues is a huge reason why I've been feeling so down. Even though I've lost 4 pant sizes and am about 16, almost 20 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time, I'm still going through the mental processes (<-- is that a word?) of hating myself. So this brings up the question: will I still feel this way about myself even when I reach goal? Will I EVER be happy with myself? Will I ever LOVE myself? It petrifies me to think that I could be at my goal weight and potentially still expirience the misery of hating myself. Today, however, I've made a step towards loving myself. I've started with positive thinking. Simple, but it's kept me sane for the most part today, and (almost) away from every reflective surface in my house.
And finally, prayer.
Today, ladies, I realized something else that was missing in my life: Prayer.
Yes, I am a religious person, and I do love and cherish God. Let me say right now that I, in no way, am imposing any of my personal beliefs onto ANYONE. I respect everyone's decision of how they choose to practice religion, or not. Anyways, in this entire year, I've only prayed once. For me, that's shameful. But today, I decided to pray. To look to God for some answers and guidance. And you know what? I (already) feel as though that void in my heart is being filled. For me, prayer means peace. My mind's always running, I'm constantly thinking about my next meal or my weight, I procastinate like no tomorrow...in short, my mind doesn't have an off button. But when I pray, it's as though everything melts into the background and I just feel PEACE. True, pure, genuine peace. No hatred of myself, and no judgement. To me, this is key. It is what has added fuel to my ever burning fire and I know that with weightloss on my mind and God in my heart, I will achieve any goals I set out for myself. Yes, future posts might still show me being tough on myself but now, it'll be because I KNOW I can do better, and not because I hate myself. This is what prayer does for me.
Isn't it crazy that a book (and movie) title could be so relevant in my life? Haha.
Oh! And another thing. I've taken up writing in my journal again to ease my mind. I forgot how liberating and relaxing it truly is. There is one rule that I made for myself however: no writing about body/weight. This is my way of liberating myself from the hell that is induced by constantly worrying and fussying over myself. Am I happy with my body right now? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But from today on, I refuse to let that fact depress me and cause me to loathe myself. Instead, I'll direct my energy into creativity. For me, that means writing.
With lots of love, stay strong ladies.