shamone, baby.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Reverse thinspo & Reading.

I had never realized that the method I was using to keep sane and stay motivated had a name: reverse thinspo. You see, I work in the food industry (great, right) and I have all walks of customers come in through the doors of the resturant. Now, I can safely say that 90% of them are overweight-obese and they have absolutely NO shame. They'll walk in with tummy bearing shirts and shorts, and order ever damn thing off of the menu. Just watching them wolf down their food makes me want to never eat again. I don't do it on purpose, I just can't help it. When I see someone who clearly doesn't take care of themself walk by, I automatically feel better about myself. That's just the way it is.
Also, I'm a reader. By that I mean I can literally read people and tell what they are thinking based on body language and facial expressions. I think this is something I developed as I became more self-concious and aware of my body and those around me. Let me tell you, I'm DAMN good at this.
For example, I was at a grocery store once and was watching this fat woman (might I mention here that a lot of these fat people are young. Like, 18-30 years old!) taking her time picking out a chocolate bar. I was wondering what was going through her head as she reached' for a Caramilk bar but then skipped over it and grabbed a Hershey's one. When she was straightening up she made eye contact with me for a brief second and in that moment, I knew that she felt embarrased and ashamed. As if on cue, she tossed the chocolate back on the shelf and payed for her groceries. She also left glaring at me. As if to say, "thanks a lot for making me feel like a pig". Hopefully my look said, "sweety, you did that quite well on your own". Needless to say, I can guarantee that she compensated for that missed chocolate bar later that day. I'm a reader. I'm also quite judgemental, mainly of myself, but when it comes to others, I try to stay open-minded and just read them. That's how it works.
Anyways, I'm 1lb away from completing another goal. I need this fat to come off. COME OFF. The more I see stretch marks, the happier I get because that tells me I'm shrinking. Isn't that weird. Most people hate stretch marks -- I don't mind them. Just as long as I rub cocoa butter on them, they fade away.
I'm heading to the gym today and I'm also planning to fast. I don't know when to start the fast, I'm still working that out in my head.
p.s. Hello, to my two new followers =)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A long time coming.

After sticking to a healthy diet for a couple months, I feel as though I am being thrust back into the grips of disordered eating. No, I'm not anorexic, bulimic, or any of that. And I do not wish to be. But as long as I can remeber, I've been struggling with food and weight loss addiction. This may be the first time in my life where I no longer feel in control. Instead, I shall let my obsession take hold of me and see where it takes me.
So far today, it has led me to the gym and compelled me to burn 900 cals.